The Fabricated Goddess

Drum Roll....

Exhibit A :: highly technical, double blind ballots.  Seriously, I wrote your names on post-its, folded them and THEN randomly numbered them so that I didn't know who was what.

 

Exhibit B :: a die was rolled.

 

Exhibit C :: the ballot was opened and the winner revealed! 

Wow Neal!  You are going to look pretty darn cute in that apron.  I always suspected that lilac was your colour.

Thanks to all those who participated and read and commiserated and encouraged last month as I blogged along.  I really do cherish each and every one of you.  And yes, Susanne, I'll gladly admit it's more than 3.  

Traditions...

Things I like to get in my stocking, in no particular order:

• new tooth brush
• a magazing - preferably something fashion-wise that I would never usually buy
• nail polish 
• lip balm
• body wash and/or lotion
• underwear and/or socks
• emery boards
• razor
• hand cream
• kinder surprise
• (and/or) lindt chocolates
• new pens (gel ink)
• a jar of olives (what, it's a tradition from childhood and yes I realize that's odd)

Things I do not like to get in my stocking, in no particular order:

• thong underwear (because that is clearly for someone else's enjoyment)
• bikini wax kit
• facial hair bleach
• anything that could be categorized as an 'ointment' for an 'ailment' 
• crossword puzzle book
• ball point pens

Your turn!

I Pledged...

 

Well hello, November 30th.  I thought you'd never get here.  I pledged to blog all month, every day, and blog I did.  Sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse.  Despite my fatigue and lack of planning, I managed to fulfill this small promise.  People!  I didn't just start this thing, I finished it.  For me, right now, it's a victory I needed.  Small, I know, but I'll take it just the same.

I hope that I continue to blog regularly.  I won't make any fantastical promises.  I know enough about myself to know I'll probably struggle to be consistent.   But I'll know - I'll know - that if I really want to, I can do whatever I set my mind to.  

And knowing that is really worth something. 

Everybody's Got To Believe In Something....

I didn't register what he said to me, because I didn't realize he was talking to me.  I smelled him before I heard him.  I turned.  Greying brush cut, tobacco stained teeth, a few inches taller than me.  His fleece sweater tucked into his track pants.  

Been clean for 34 days.

Oh, wow, that's an accomplishment. 

I say this feebly, feeling genuinely amazed at this feat which must surely have been an epic struggle.

Both drugs and alcohol.  

You have somewhere to stay where they are taking good care of you?  

This is all I can think to say.  

Over at the Gospel Mission.  They take good care of me.  

Must have been really hard work.  You should be proud.

Didn't do it alone.  The Lord helped me every step of the way.  Couldn't have done it alone.

And right there, in that moment, I'm jealous of the simple faith of a man who has nothing.  No home.  No income.  No vices - well not anymore anyway.  Not even a regular bath.  My own faith so twisted and complicated that in some ways it's rendered useless.  A long list of do's and don'ts.  And I can't help feeling that it's so far removed from what it was meant to be.  

Everybody's got to believe in something.  

Me? I'm working on remembering the simple truths which guide me.  

Long Lost Friends....

Dear Sun, Please come back. I am pale and weak without you. I need you to shine every morning and wake me up. I need you to set every evening - did you hear that? not 4.45pm, not 3.30pm - really anytime after 6 and I'm good. My internal clock is getting all wonky. The other day I napped for half an hour at 7pm. THIS IS NOT NORMAL! And I'm getting cranky being cold all the darn time. 

Just come back, already.

Okay? We're good, right?

See you soon,

FG

My Interview!

I had the absolute privilege of being interviewed by the lovely and astoundingly dedicated JP/Deb over at Jane Poet.  People, she read through an enormous amount of my archives and came up with some excellent questions.  Things like, Did Finn become a serial flasher? and When did I start saying 'oy vey'?   I can't even begin to tell you how much I laughed rereading the posts she referenced.  It was a great walk down memory lane.  

In fact, I recommend you head on over to Jane's blog and read my interview right now.  And while you are there, drop a comment and show Jane some love.  She's earned it, afterall.  

Okay, Seriously...

I swear, last pair of sexy shoes and I'll move on.

I like to sum these up with one word: lingerie.   Because, number one, they are seriously the most.uncomfortable.shoes.ever.  Good only for provocative lounging.  Can not be worn anywhere, ever.  I can't really walk in them, and people, as my good friend Shram will attest, I can walk in ANY heels.  So it's saying a lot bad about them that I can't wear them.  

Oh and number two.  Well, do I REALLY have to explain the second reason I call these lingerie?  

Yeah.  I didn't think so.

Things I'm Loving Right Now.....

1. mashed potatoes

2. sweaters

3. real wood fires

4. red lipstick (still) (and not because of Mad Men) (I've always loved it) (my current favourite colour is Revlon's Mulled Wine)

5. my hot water bottle

6. martinis (gin not vodka) (stirred or shaken) (olive or lemon twist) (okay that one is totally because of Mad Men)

7. my Hamlet rehearsals

8. blogging again

9. eggs for breakfast

10. using this every day

Revisiting This Thing....

The last few days I've been thinking a lot about this old blog.  Writing everyday has made me aware of a few things: one, that I miss it, and two, that I have so little time now to actually write in it.  Which would account for the lame-o posts the last week or so, not counting the lovely Erika's interview yesterday.  I got my questions from my interviewer, the equally lovely, unequivocally insightful and super dedicated Deb over at Jane Poet.  Wow! she dug deep and braved the entirety of my archives.  That is some serious dedication to her task.  She sought to know the subject and know it well.  Her questions were like a walk down memory lane.  She had me rereading posts I'd long forgotten.  She had me laughing at myself all over again.  

And, she had me thinking about why I do this thing and more importantly, why I haven't given it up.  I guess - and this is hard for me to admit - that I do actually like writing.  I just have trouble believing I should be writing.  I don't count myself smart enough, witty enough, or nearly talented enough to be doing this.  And yet I do love the words.   In the end it's very much about the words.  

So I guess what I'm saying is that I am recommitting to writing here.  And not just whiney posts about how I never write anything.  I miss this place. 

And I miss the process of finding my voice.

Hey, guess what?  See you tomorrow.

Why Am I Doing This....

I was going to give you a self portrait in lieu of a post, but I thought I should share with you that I'm struggling right now to stay on top of things.  It only took 10 days for me to get here, but I'm already questioning my sanity in pledging to blog every day this month.  I'm so overwhelmed by everything else in my life.  I went back to work full time this fall.  And while I love being out of the house more, I am finding it a challenge to adjust to now being stuck in a store away from home for days at a time.  And also, being so stupid tired every single day.  I know it's partly the weather and lack of sunshine, but dang! I barely make it through dinner.  Never mind trying to get anything much done around here.  I keep telling myself that I will adjust.  I will, right?

:: sigh ::

Will I ever figure out how to juggle all of it?  I do wonder if I'm incapable.  Seems that when I have one part of my life going so well, the other two thirds start to mould over like that half used container of yogurt at the back of your fridge.  Or maybe that's just my fridge.  

Finding balance seems to be a recurring yet elusive theme for me.  I don't seem to achieve it easily.  I also recognize that I have this expectation of everything being perfect at all times, anything less being failure.  Which, okay, I get is wrong on many levels.  Still, I want all my stars to align.  

So I'll throw this out there - how do you maintain balance in your life and what's your definition of balance.  And which is more important?  What defines balance or the actual achievement of it?  Chicken or the egg?